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29 June, 2021

Under my skin

I’M NOT in a serious mood this week. By Skinhead


Occasionally we need a break from the never-ending trials and tribulations of life so I’ve decided to plagiarise an email I received a few years ago.

I have suffered minor bouts of insomnia, apprehension, and apathy, and uncontrollable fits of laughter, after following every pre-budget, budget, and post-budget announcement by our brilliant economic contortionist, State Treasurer Tricky Dicky.

Next week I may be tempted to write a belated and somewhat “different” budget review, but today I pose a question that, for some of you, may appear to come out of left field. It is, however, quite topical given recent events involving law-and-order issues throughout the world.

The question is: How do you tell the difference between Australian, Canadian, American, and Scottish Police Officers? WHAT DO YOU DO?

You’re a police officer, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, a man armed with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and, screaming obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you. You are carrying your police baton and/or taser (depending on your country) and are an expert in using it.

However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do? ANSWERS: Australian Police Officer: Firstly, the officer must consider the man’s human rights.

1. Does the man look underprivileged and/or oppressed?

2. Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

3. Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

4. Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

5. Am I dressed provocatively? 6. Could I run away?

7. Could I possibly swing my baton/fire my taser and knock the knife out of his hand?

8. Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?

9. Why am I carrying a baton/taser anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?

10. Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?

11. If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

12. If I raise my baton/taser and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head, and kills himself?

13. If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility, and the loss of my family home?

Canadian Police Officer: Bang!

American Police Officer: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

Reload.

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

Scottish Police Officer: “Haw, Jimmie! Drop the wee knife reet this minute noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer a...!”

Please note, I have to declare a bias here — my dear departed mum was born in Glasgow, a city where PC has only one meaning — Police Constable.

There’s nothing politically correct about Glasgow.

You’ve got to love the Scots, don’t you?

I can hear a Glaswegian copper saying the “Haw Jimmie” line.

The Scots, especially the Glaswegians, tell it as it is. Just reading that old joke again makes me feel better.

I’ve shrugged off the budget BS blues for a little while at least.

FOOTNOTE: To finish on a Scottish note — too many politicians and journalists think they can walk on water, but I know quite a lot who stumble on whisky.


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